That’d be me. Hi there!
Seriously. When I lead a small group, it’s really easy for me to flip a switch from small group leader, to teacher. ’Cause I’m a teacher. Next thing you know, I’m lecturing students and disseminating information. Which is fine, if that’s the group everyone wants—if they want me to teach a class on theology, or Bronze Age biblical history, or how to analyze a bible passage, or evangelism methods. But if everyone wants an interactive group, where everybody gets to talk and share and get to know one another, I gotta avoid teacher-mode.
And when I’m in the small group, as a participant, it’s really easy for me to be the member who always has an answer, always has a comment, always has a question, always has a remark. ’Cause I don’t join small groups unless I’m interested—and if I’m interested, I’m gonna participate, and if I participate, I won’t do it halfway. If there’s homework I do it. Heck, sometimes I’m more prepared than the group leader.
Now, for some small group members, and for some small group leaders, this sort of Christian is the bane of their existence. Why? Because it doesn’t suit their idea of the group. Because they’re the group leader, and feel they need to talk, not me. Because they’re a member who wants to get on with it, and I won’t clam up with “And there’s this. And don’t forget this. And are you gonna talk about this? And what I found fascinating was [ten-minute story with complex tangents].” If my talking gets in their way, they’re gonna want to roofie my coffee to shut me up.
Assuming it’s you.
’Cause it might be you. I already know it’s me.
Your duty, therefore, is to be courteous: Everybody else gets to respond first. You go last.
I know; it’ll burn you up inside, ’cause you just gotta speak. Well, clamp down on it. Work on your patience. Wait for others to respond.
Sometimes others will say everything you wanted to. Which is fine; now you don’t have to say it. It’s not important who puts the information out there. Just that it’s out there. (And if it’s wrong, now you don’t have to be embarrassed about being wrong.)
If there’s another talky person in the group—or four or five of them—and you’ve been competing to see which of you can get the floor first, or longest: Quit. Concede. Stop trying to outdo them. Stop fighting, or trying to win. That’s not what any Christian small group should be about. If group leaders permit this sort of thing to go on, they suck.
If everybody’s trying to be courteous, and speak last—or if everyone else is just shy, and doesn’t want to be first—wait five seconds, then talk. Hey, you gave ’em five seconds. Count it out; notice how much time that is. It’s plenty.
If someone else answers at the same time you do, let them.
As for talky group leaders: If you want your small group to be more interactive, and are worried you’re doing far more of the talking than you’d like, it’s quite simple: Start asking questions. Specifically, questions which don’t have short answers, like yes or no or “God did it” or “Genesis 2.25.” If nobody answers—if the group regularly leaves a question hanging there for more than seven seconds (and try letting it hang for as many as 15, just to see whether a long silence finally prompts ’em to talk)—you’ve got a group of shy people. For a shy group, don’t throw out questions: Call on specific individuals. Call on ’em in order, so they know it’s coming. You want your group interactive, you make it interactive.
If you’re the leader, and you want ’em quiet.
If you don’t want your group to be interactive—if it’s really a class, and feel you kinda need to do most of the talking—make sure everybody knows this. Refer to the group as a class. A lot. Make it obvious. “Welcome to class. Glad you could join the class. Here’s what I’ll talk about in class today. We’ll discuss that subject in the next class.” Class class class. Most folks realize a class isn’t all that interactive.
For those who don’t: Make ’em aware one of the class rules is to raise your hand if you have a question, or wish to answer a question. No, seriously. It’s courteous on their part; it maintains order. It works in school; it’ll work here.
What about when their answers are really long? Simple: Get a timer. Limit all answers to two minutes, which is plenty of time for most answers.
And if you want people to follow the rules, make sure you enforce them. Just as in school, there are always people who never raise their hands, and blurt out answers regardless. You have to penalize them for it. Usually with a gentle rebuke: “Now, you didn’t raise your hand.” Sometimes a sterner, “You know, we’re trying to give everyone a chance to speak, and I’d appreciate it if you’d stay within the two-minute time limit.” Hopefully it never escalates beyond rebukes, to the point where you have to ask them to leave. Sometimes it does, when you have a really rude know-it-all type who insists on speaking their piece. But you don’t want rude people in your group anyway.
If you’re a participant, and want ’em quiet.
The most difficult position to be in, is when talky people take over the group and the leader allows it.
Many times it’s because the leader is the laissez-faire sort: They want the members of the group to run things, while they just sit back and facilitate the discussion. Even if the so-called “discussion” is really just one person’s monologue. I’m not a big fan of hands-off leadership, because it’s not really leadership. If you’re just gonna stand back and let things happen as they would with no leader at all, you’re no leader; don’t get into leadership!
But when leaders don’t lead, it doesn’t give you any license to step up and change things yourself. No more than it gives talky people license to take over the group. You’re just gonna have to deal with the fact this is the group as it stands. Take it or leave it.
Usually what’ll happen is the talkative person is simply considered an annoyance, but one everyone can live with.
Should you try to reform them?—inform the person they talk too much, and suggest they practice more self-control? Well, if you do, expect it to hurt their feelings. “You talk too much” is nearly always interpreted as, “I don’t care what you have to say.” Because we all know people who talk a lot, but we like hearing what they have to say, and never think about the fact they talk a lot.
So we have to be very careful when we try to reform talkative people: Encourage them to talk, but be briefer with their responses. “Can you say it in less than two minutes? Can you say it in one or two sentences? Give me a two-word answer. Give me the short answer—no tangents; I’ll buzz you if you go on a tangent. Give me the summary.”
Worst-case scenarios.
Sometimes a leader will let someone monopolize the group because they lack the nerve. I’ve been in groups where the leader was actually intimidated by the talkative member. There are some folks who give off a vibe that it takes very little to make them angry, and you won’t like them when they’re angry—so don’t shush them. Others are just used to having their way, and they don’t recognize any leadership which blocks their way.
Talking to the leader about it, offering suggestions or encouragement, will make no difference: These leaders care about fear, not order. They’ll be afraid to step up and create any rules, or enforce any existing rules. In these cases, such leaders definitely need to step down—if you can’t lead, call upon your own leaders to help out or take over.
In my experience, the “don’t make me angry” vibe is usually an act: Get strict with ’em and they’ll back down. Same with the people who demand their way. They just like to see how far they can push the boundaries before the leader pushes back—so push back, and they’ll respect your limits.
But there are always exceptions, and we have to get extra-strict with them. If they can’t respect the small group leader’s role, they aren’t welcome back to the group.
Now, if the talkative group member gets abusive, or someone needs to be defended from threats or actual violence, everybody has to act—leaders, members, whomever. Get other leaders involved. Police too: If anyone is threatened with bodily harm, you don’t just keep it within the church. Take it seriously. Call the cops. Right in the meeting, if you have to.
In some churches, you never have to call the cops. In others you always have to call the cops. Depends on the maturity level of the Christians you minister to. But don’t naively assume you’ll never have to, or gracelessly assume you always should. Again, we’re talking worst-case scenarios.
And on that happy note…
Bad advice.
In one book on small-group leadership, the author actually advised his readers to take those talkative small group members, and put them into leadership. It was, he said, the best way to harness their enthusiasm. They wanna take over the group? You let ’em! Just supervise them, and make sure they don’t go wrong.
Yeah, that’s just stupid.
Small group leaders are technically deacons, the ministers who run various things in a church, such as the small groups. And what qualifies a deacon most of all is they have good character. Enthusiasm qualifies you for nothing. Enthusiasm—plus an unforeseen bad character—equals a disaster in the making. And talkativeness shows a lack of self-control: They need better fruit before they’re put over anything.
In a classroom discipline training session (and a lot of those topics overlap with leading small groups), I was actually advised by our instructor to embarrass talkative students. “Tell them, ‘You sure do talk a lot,’ in front of the other kids, and let the peer pressure do the rest of the work.” Likewise awful advice. Humiliating one another has no place in the Kingdom of God. If you have an issue with a talkative small group member, treat it like they’ve sinned against you (even though they really haven’t sinned): Follow Jesus’s procedure. Talk it out privately. Escalate things only if you absolutely have to—like if they can’t raise their hand, or can’t follow your two-minute rule. But embarrassment? Absolutely not.
And how’re you doing?
Lastly: Don’t forget to measure yourself before you measure others. Allow for the possibility the problem actually isn’t that the person is too talkative.
Maybe you have something against this particular person: They rub you the wrong way. You don’t care for their beliefs or politics. The way they know it all doesn’t jibe with the way you know it all. In any event, you’d rather they talk less, or not at all—and you’re interpreting this as “They talk too much.”
Maybe you’re the talkative one, and you don’t want them to win the monopolization game. You wanna win it. It’s your group, not theirs. It’s a study on your subject, not theirs. You’re the expert, not them. And so on.
Maybe you’re in a discussion group, and you don’t really want to be: You just want the leader to lecture. You just want information. You don’t care what anyone else has to say about the subject. You don’t care about the group members’ testimonies: “Oh, I totally experienced what you’re talking about; why, just the other day…” No. You’re not there to get to know the other people in the group; you’re there for the data. Everybody else can just shut up already.
Regardless: Make sure you’re diagnosing the problem properly—and that it’s not you.