The Christian ideal is this: Once people marry, we don’t divorce. When they have issues, disagreements, or problems, we work through them and hold our relationships together. Marriage is meant to be permanent. Well, lifelong anyway, ending at the death of one of the spouses.
The reality is this: Our stats are the same as everyone else’s. Both Christians and pagans have a 50 percent divorce rate. Only half of us work through our issues. The other half don’t.
The history of divorce in the bible is a complicated one. The first we read of it is when a man attempts to divorce his wife after taking advantage of her, and God refuses to allow it. Next there’s this.
When a man takes a woman,
to be her husband,
and if it happens she finds no favor in his eyes—
he found something he considers offensive—
he writes her a divorce scroll and puts it in her hand;
he sends her out of his house.
—Moses, Deuteronomy 24.1 KWL
So it appears divorce is okay with God. There’s a simple procedure for it and everything: Get a document, stating the divorce (which Jews today call a “get”) and that’s that.
Thing is, the “something he considers offensive” was left open for interpretation. Literally it’s erwat davar, “a genital word” or “genital thing.” It implies something sexual. But the rabbis of Jesus’s day figured it could mean anything which offended or embarrassed the husband. Kinda like how the F-word is meant to refer to sexual activity, but people apply the F-word to everything—just because it’s offensive—and so it doesn’t just mean sexual activity anymore. So the husband could divorce his wife for any reason which offends him. Could be she’s cheating on him; could be he’s just tired of her, and wants to marry someone else, and any excuse will do. Like burning his dinner, spilling his tea, not laughing at his jokes, and so forth.
Other Pharisees taught no; this should be understood more literally. The reason Moses said “genital” was because she was doing something which involved the genitals: She was being unfaithful or committing adultery. So adultery was the only valid reason for divorce.
Thing is, back in Old Testament times you got the death penalty for adultery. So if your husband caught you cheating, he wouldn’t need to divorce you… ’cause you’d be dead. So why have a whole separate divorce commandment? Therefore divorce had to be for lesser causes than adultery. (But certainly greater than spilling tea.)
Hence Pharisees in Jesus’s day took the more liberal view of divorcing for any reason at all. And our culture largely thinks the very same way. There are some states in the United States, like New York, which insist there be a valid reason for divorce, like adultery, abandonment, bigamy, cruelty, fraud, insanity, or any combination thereof. Yet there are states like mine, California, which offer no-fault divorce: You don’t need a reason. You want a divorce? File the paperwork.
Jesus’s view.
The Pharisees decided to get Jesus’s take on the issue. Some of it was they wanted to trap him—they wanted to see whether Jesus added to the Law in some way, which we’re not allowed to do. Even though, as Jesus pointed out many times, the Pharisees did just that.
Getting up from there,
Jesus went to the Judean border, past the Jordan. Again, crowds came with him. Again, as usual, he taught them.Visiting Pharisees, putting him on the spot, were asking him if it’s right for a man to divorce a woman. In reply,
Jesus said,“What did Moses command you?” They said, “Moses permitted
us to write a divorce scroll, and to divorce.”Jesus told them,
“He wrote you this command for your hard hearts. In the beginning of creation,
He made them male and female.
For this reason,
a person will leave their father and their mother,
and cling together to his woman
and the two will be one flesh.
People: Don’t divide whatever God joined together.” In the house, the students again were asking
Jesus about this. He told them,
“If anyone divorces his wife and marries another,
he cheats on her.
When she, divorcing her husband, marries another,
she cheats.”
Matthew tells this same story, but adds the caveat at the end, “unless his wife has been unfaithful.” And in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said as much again.
It’s been said,
“Whoever divorces his wife:
Give her a divorce scroll.”
I tell you:
Anyone who divorces his wife, unless it’s a sexual matter,
is cheating on her.
Anyone who marries that divorcée
is cheating with her.
In order to make his case, notice how Jesus didn’t explain the meaning of Deuteronomy 24.1. Instead he went right to Genesis. He actually called that bit of Deuteronomy a concession—meaning Moses added it to the Law. It wasn’t God’s original idea. God hates divorce, and as far as he’s concerned, if he put two people together, they’re supposed to stay together.
Hardcore? Absolutely. Too hardcore? Well, that’s what Jesus’s students immediately said.
Jesus’s students were telling him, “If this is the way things are with people regarding women, don’t let people marry.”
Jesus told them,
“Not everyone can handle this lesson.
Only those to whom it’s given.
There are those who were eunuchs
ever since they came out of their mother’s belly.
There are those who were eunuchs
because people made eunuchs of them.
There are those who were eunuchs
who made eunuchs of themselves for heaven’s Kingdom.
Those who can handle it, handle it.
A eunuch was usually the guard of a harem, and in order to make him trustworthy, he’d been castrated. Jesus wasn’t talking about literal castration; this is hyperbole. He was talking about celibacy. Some people are naturally uninterested in marriage. Some are interested, but for one reason or another it just ain’t gonna happen for them. And some have decided serving the Kingdom is a much greater priority. But if you plan to marry, as Paul pointed out elsewhere, it’s not wrong to.
It’s just that Jesus’s students were looking at this the entirely wrong way. Their response to Jesus’s “Don’t divorce unless adultery is involved” was “Well, maybe we shouldn’t marry at all.” What the hell kind of attitude is that? You’re entering into a marriage expecting divorce? Is that the level of commitment you bring into that relationship with you? Because if so, you’re guaranteed to divorce.
Marriage should never be entered into lightly. It shouldn’t be thought of as a temporary thing: “We’ll stay together till we’re tired of staying together.” Plans need to be made to deal with that sort of thing. Because you will grow tired of staying together. Emotions will fade. Crises will occur. And either your marriage relationship has made you family—and family sticks together—or it hasn’t, and you’re nothing more than “friends with benefits” who once threw a wedding, but didn’t ever mean your vows. (If you even bothered to recite the traditional ones.)
Legitimate causes for divorce.
Now, here’s where I point out we live in a sinful, messed-up world, and while we should always aim for the Christian ideal, we’re not always gonna hit it. There are circumstances where divorce is just gonna happen. Sometimes you can’t help it: Your spouse wants a divorce, and it makes no difference what Jesus teaches, ’cause your spouse doesn’t care what Jesus teaches. They just want out.
Paul taught if your unbelieving spouse wants out of your relationship, you let ’em go. When you have someone who doesn’t care what Jesus teaches, you have an unbeliever. Let ’em go.
If you’re worried this doesn’t jibe with Jesus’s statement that cheating is the only legitimate cause… well, you won’t have long to wait before your ex commits it. If it hasn’t happened already.
Sometimes abuse is involved: Your spouse beats you, or steals from you, or has become an addict, or otherwise makes your life hell. Basically you’ve been emotionally abandoned. It’s not physical abandonment, but it’s just as bad, or worse. Again, let ’em go. For your own safety, you shouldn’t live together. You need to get out. Leave. Separate. If your spouse wishes to escalate the separation into divorce, that’s their call. Sometimes the fact you left is the wake-up call they need to straighten themselves out. (But don’t count on it.)
And sometimes adultery is involved: Your spouse is cheating on you, either with a real live person, or with pornography. (Yes, that’s cheating. Don’t kid yourself.) When your spouse persists, you have a totally valid reason to end the marriage—’cause your spouse essentially ended things by cheating. But if your spouse is repentant, and I mean legitimately repentant, bear in mind you don’t have to divorce. Jesus gives you an out, but you don’t have to take it. You can still put the marriage back together. That’s pretty much up to you.
Remember: God hates divorce, even though you may have every reason in the world to get one. He always wants to put relationships back together. As his followers, we ought to reflect that attitude.
In the meanwhile, since we understand how messed up the world is, we need to be sympathetic towards people who are going through, or who have gone through, divorce. Do not treat divorced folks or single parents like second-class Christians. Help them out where appropriate. Let them minister if they want to. Be who Jesus would be to them.
Remember, the first person in Samaria whom Jesus shared the gospel with, was a five-time divorcée. God does some of his best work with broken people. So it might be a good idea to befriend such people, simply so you can watch God do his thing.